There Can Be Only One

It’s hard to say which water cooler topic-of-the-week truly embodied the mediocrity, irrelevance, and general trashiness of last Sunday’s MTV Video Music Awards. While many, with great confidence (and great reasons), will side with Britney Spears’ abysmal performance(?), others, myself included, find the fistfight(?) between Tommy Lee and Kid Rock to be a bit more telling of MTV’s fall from entertaining, interesting, music-centered grace.

Being a lover, not a fighter, I want to take this opportunity to offer up to Lee and Rock a completely non-violent alternative to battling for washed-up, white-trash, rocker supremacy. I’ll break down some important aspects of their lives and careers to see who comes out on top.


I suppose it’d be appropriate to start it off with the only reason any of us even know they exist…their music. There are a few angles to analyze here.



  • Mötley Crüe drummer
  • Methods of Mayhem and Rockstar Supernova drummer (who?)
  • Two trash solo albums
  • Ability to maintain focus on his rhythm while offering great stage presence (read: “being turned upside down in a steel cage”)


  • Singer/rapper/frontman of his band Twisted Brown Trucker (wha?)
  • Collaborated with Sheryl Crowe for serious country duet Picture
  • Ability to make up gibberish words as hooks and song titles (eg. Bawitdaba)
  • Made American flag fashionable

Winner: Lee. Mötley Crüe…obviously.


Apparently it’s more work to find total album sales for an artist than I had expected. I don’t feel like adding album sales, so…

Winner (I’m pretty damn sure): Lee. Once again, the Crüe…obviously.



  • Nominated for a few Grammy Awards with Crüe
  • Nominated for a few American Music Awards with Crüe; Won one


  • Nominated for a few Grammies
  • Nominated for a few AMAs; Won two
  • Nominated for one Country Music Award
  • Won three Billboard Music Awards

Winner: Rock



  • Born Thomas Lee Bass
  • Stage name not really a stage name


  • Born Robert James Ritchie
  • Stage name retarded

Winner: Lee



  • Rockstar: Supernova reality contest
  • Tommy Lee Goes to College reality show
  • A couple cameos on V.I.P. (watchable only on mute)


  • South Park
  • The Simpsons
  • King of the Hill

Winner: Rock. By far. Animation > Reality.



  • Vanilla Sky as “Frozen Vintage Car Man”
  • Pam & Tommy Lee: Stolen Honeymoon as “Dude Attached To Python”


  • Joe Dirt as “Robby”
  • Osmosis Jones as “Kidney Rock”
  • Biker Boyz as “Dogg”
  • Larry the Cable Guy: Health Inspector as himself
  • Tour bus sex tape with Scott Stapp and four whores

Winner: Lee. Quality over quantity.



  • Pamela Anderson (divorced)
  • Heather Locklear (divorced)
  • Elaine Margaret Starchuck (divorced)
  • Mayte Garcia (briefly engaged)
  • Jenna Jameson (dated)
  • Tara Ried (dated)
  • Tawny Kitaen (f’d)


  • Pamela Anderson (divorced)
  • Kelley Russell (dated)
  • May Anderson (dated)

Winner: uh…Looking past the countless androgynous dudes he’s pretty much made out with publicly, Lee takes this in a landslide.


Winner: Tie



  • Inciting a riot
  • Multiple domestic violences
  • Unlawful possession of a firearm
  • Disturbing the peace
  • Indecent exposure
  • Assault


  • Assault. “In February 2005, in Nashville, after getting into an altercation at Christie’s Cabaret. He got into a fight with the strip club’s DJ over his choice of music.”

Winner: Mugshots

Congratulations, Jack Daniels and Hepatitis C. You win! If Lee and Rock don’t kill each other first, I can only hope one of you two step up to the plate.


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