Last week, Pete Wentz and Ashlee Simpson announced their plans to wed. I shrugged in apathy.
Monday, it was rumored she was pregnant. I asked my mommy how babies were made and what the word “coincidence” means.
Now, Wentz denies there’s something growing inside Simpson. Let’s see what he has to say…
“There is a witch hunt for people to be pregnant whenever they get engaged in Hollywood,” he wrote. “This is all news to me. I can’t wait for the story about how I’m really in a gay relationship and this is all just a cover. … I mean really, this is crazy. … I mean we’re engaged, that’s true, and happy about it.”
Well, I had no choice but to use my knowledge of science and movies to travel into the future and expose the truth. Based on this video footage I found of their future child, I think we can all agree on two things. It is every bit as punk rock as its mother and father, and it doesn’t quite see eye-to-eye with its father on some important issues.