Quickies Are Fun: Wait, Wha? Edition

Cornell Settles On New Genre For The Year

I don’t know how I wasn’t already aware of this, but Chris Cornell has a new solo album Scream coming out October 14th, and it is produced by Timbaland. Fair enough. I listened to the teasers on his MySpace, and the first song is pretty good I guess, but each subsequent one deteriorates slowly into familiar Timbaland territory. Someone close to him needs to tell him that his recent trend of adding himself grumbling “eh!” into the microphone for every damn song he produces fucking sucks. Whatever. At least Cornell’s growing out his Soundgarden locks again.

Coldplay Much More Womanly Than All Expect

Giving idiots across the world one more reason to keep “Know how I know you’re gay?” as part of their regular insult rotation, Chris Martin has revealed that members of Coldplay knit clothes together, in the studio and on the road. While nothing pumps me up for a rock show quite like knitting (and I do enjoy some Coldplay), I want to punch my monitor and TV screen every time I see Martin sporting his new, douchey sleeve of multi-colored rags. Your sewing abilities suck, Martin. Stop trying to emulate another turd with a signature, dumb fashion accessory, bloated human rights campaign, and new Brian Eno sound.

Jessica Simpson Announces Flatulence, Possible Alien Pregnancy

Jessica Simpson put on another stellar show the other night in Ontario, successfully weirding the fuck out of the writer of this sweet review. The entire article is full of amazing quotables from both Simpson and the author, so do yourself a favor and check it out. I know you want to know what Jessica’s farts smell like.

Osbourne Kids Still Alive, Still Suck

Jack Osbourne is producing an Ozzy documentary, in order to repair the damage incurred by MTV’s The Osbournes. This is understandable, as, much to Jack’s chagrin, the show wrongly portrayed his bumbling, burnt-out, senile father as a bumbling, burnt-out, senile father being videotaped.

Effectively confirming his shit-for-brains, Axl Rose apparently came on to Kelly Osbourne at a laundry detergent launch party (To re-iterate the theme of this post…”Wait, wha?”). And by “came on to”, I mean “leering at and saying ‘I want to fuck you.'”. Tide certainly does work wonders.


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