Category Archives: failure

SNOOP DOGG IS TWO MONTHS TOO LATE, STILL A JOKE

Snoop Dogg Charlie Sheen studio

And the guitarist was having such a great day up until this point...

The Snoop Dogg and Charlie Sheen collaboration that absolutely everyone no one has been clamoring for has finally surfaced.  And it is every bit as terrible as you’d expect from a rapper who jumped the shark about eight years ago and an actor who nuked the fridge about eight weeks ago.  It’s called…wait for it…”Winning.”  Of course it is.

I miss young Death Row Snoop.  The one who hung around with murderers and business-oriented thugs named Suge who held Vanilla Ice over balconies by his ankles.  Come back to me, Doggfather!

[via Warming Glow]

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PRINCE COMES ONE STEP CLOSER TO PUBLICLY ADMITTING MENTAL DISABILITY

Prince stupid towel

"Durrrp."

Walk with me, if you will, as I retrace some of the steps of Prince’s moronic war on fair use, the internet, and technology at large…

  • Prince attempts to sue YouTube, eBay, and The Pirate Bay for allegedly encouraging copyright violations. (September 2007)
  • Prince forced the removal of a YouTube video of a baby dancing to “Let’s Go Crazy.”  The baby’s parents sue him and his label and win. (October 2007)
  • Prince forces his own fansites to cease and desist use of his music and/or anything related to his likeness.  His fansites ban together against him.  (November 2007)
  • Prince covers Radiohead’s “Creep” at Coachella, then forces YouTube to remove fan footage of the performance.  Radiohead and YouTube reinstate the video shortly thereafter. (2008)
  • Prince refuses to allow access to his new album through legitimate digital download services, shuts down his website, and declares that “the internet’s completely over,” and “Anyway, all these computers and digital gadgets are no good.  They just fill your head with numbers and that can’t be good for you.” (May 2010)

Let’s throw one more bullet point on there from just this week…

  • Prince tells George Lopez on Lopez Tonight that he’d like to a see a law enacted that will ban the ability of artists to cover and/or sample another artist’s piece of music, saying, “My problem is when the industry covers the music.  There’s this thing called compulsory licensing law that allows artists through the record companies to take your music at will without your permission.  And that doesn’t exist in any other art form, be it books, movies – There’s only one version of ‘Law & Order.’  There’s several versions of ‘Kiss’ and ‘Purple Rain.” [via Ultimate-Guitar.com]

Well, Prince is right about one thing…there is a compulsory licensing law in effect in the US.  One that protects the owners of copyrighted material by requiring those earning money off an existing piece of music to pay royalties to the owners of the material in question, while at same time protecting the freedom of speech of the new artists to sample or cover that original work as they please.  This is nothing new and should be obvious to anyone with half a brain.  Does this guy hate royalty checks?

When Prince went through his retarded “symbol-as-a-name” phase in 1993, it’s safe to say we all thought it was retarded in the “I can’t believe this egomaniac is actually doing this” sort of way, not in the literal sense of the word.  Now, looking back at his public statements and battles since 2007, it’s obvious to me that the guy has a mental deficiency that’s slowly been publicly unmasked in recent years.  I can’t even think of him as just a talented, arrogant pr*ck anymore.  I feel bad for him in much the same way you’d feel bad for the dumb neighborhood dog that just can’t be taught to stop digging holes or sh*tting in yards.

ZAKK WYLDE ACTUALLY ACKNOWLEDGES AMERICAN IDOL APPEARANCE

Zakk Wylde James Durbin Ryan Seacrest American Idol

One of these things is not like the others; One of these things just doesn't belong.

Helping to fill my quota of TV-induced cringing last week, Zakk Wylde made a surprise guest appearance on American Idol in support of resident “rocker” James Durbin’s Wednesday night performance.  He had this to say about it to USA Today:

“I told [Black Label Society bandmate and bassist] J.D. [John DeServio] and the other guys in the band, ‘You know, I’m also known as Icon; they use the word ‘legendary’ around me. I guess now we can just throw ‘Idol’ in there,” Wylde said, with tongue planted firmly in cheek. “J.D.’s like, ‘Dude, I’m not going to puke, I’m going to go hang myself.’ So I’ll definitely get some mileage out of this.”  [via Gibson.com]

I’ve embedded the video of the appearance below, and if you enjoy watching things that make you uncomfortable and incite endless douche chills, then by all means, watch the hell out of it.  It’s almost as if Wylde had either been tricked into the gig or somehow had no prior notion of what the show is about.  If you look closely, you can almost see the exact moment Wylde realized he had made a mistake, shortly followed by the moment he realized he would have to suppress his urge to strangle Randy Jackson with his bare hands on live television.

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HAYLEY WILLIAMS GOT A DOPEY TATTOO

Hayley Williams

For some reason, Hayley Williams of Paramore was talking to Cosmopolitan recently, and for some other reason, she was telling them about a stupid tattoo she’d just gotten.

Apparently, Williams would often go without shaving on tour and, in anticipation of the group’s summer schedule, got a tattoo of a razor on her ankle with the words “Shave Me” next to it.

Williams told Cosmopolitan, “I got this because we’d be on tour and I wouldn’t shave for weeks. The guys would pull up my pants and write ‘Shave Me.’ Eventually, I got it tattooed on as a little reminder.”  [via Gibson.com]

I’m going to avoid the obvious joke here because I want to show my mom that I’m more mature than you perverts.  Just kidding, my mom doesn’t read this garbage.  But I will ask this…Who’s luckier in this scenario to have chosen a career in music?  The girl who can get a dumb tattoo on her ankle that she’ll surely later regret or the guys who can pull up their female coworker’s pant leg without any repercussions?  Rock n’ roll!  Wooo!

VANILLA ICE TO PANTOMIME CAPTAIN HOOK, THE JOKE IS ON US

Vanilla Ice Rob Van Winkle funny

Well, it’s April Fools’ Day.  Or, as I like to call it, “I Should’ve Stayed In Bed Day.”  So, it should come as no surprise that I immediately dismissed this story when I opened it up…

Vanilla Ice will star as Captain Hook in a pantomime production of Peter Pan this winter.

Taking place at the Central Theatre in Chatham, the show will mark the ‘Ice Ice Baby’ hitmaker’s panto debut.  [via NME]

Now, believe me, I was posting this story regardless, because whether or not this is an April Fools’ joke is irrelevant.  Just the mere idea that, thousands of miles apart from each other, potentially around the same time, Channing Tatum would be playing a young Peter Pan while Vanilla Ice, er, Rob Van Winkle, would be portraying PANTOMIMING Captain Hook was more than enough to send me into a giggle-fit and want to share it with you.

But my inherent investigative prowess took over, and one quick Google search later, a very funny April Fools’ joke became the greatest April Fools’ joke I’d seen in years, because IT’S ACTUALLY HAPPENING.  The story was reported on BBC News three days ago.  And is not the greatest joke of all one that is not, in fact, a joke, but has us believing it to be a joke?  I think Shakespeare said that somewhere.  And by “somewhere,” I mean “nowhere.”  But I can say with certainty that J.M. Barrie just threw up all over the inside of his coffin.

Vanilla Ice Ninja Rap Rob Van Winkle

"Ice, what do you think of our poster?" "Naw, dawg, ya'll gotta update dat sh*t." (*draws tattoos and piercings onto caricature of himself*)

ALTER BRIDGE GUITAR SOLO VOTED ALL-TIME GREATEST, FACEPALMING ENSUES

Mark Tremonti Myles Kennedy Alter Bridge

There’s a lot of tragedy in the headlines recently…Japanese quakes, tsunamis, and nuclear fallout, the violent suppression of political freedom in Libya, the Flyers sh*tting the bed and losing their grip on the Eastern Conference lead.  Just kidding, that last one shouldn’t be included on this list…hockey interests me about as much as getting checked for hernias does.  The point is, you probably shouldn’t read the rest of this post if you’re tired of getting that sinking feeling in your stomach while wondering what the world is coming to.

The guitar solo voted by readers of Guitarist Magazine to be the greatest in the history of rock music has been revealed today.  And it belongs to the solo in the song “Blackbird.”  By the band Alter Bridge.  Whos…I…ho…wha…th…fu…huh?  Somewhere, Scott Stapp is celebrating being bumped to guitarist Mark Tremonti’s second-most ridiculous association.  You take it from here, Tremonti and co-guitarist Myles Kennedy, because I can’t even…*farts*

Tremonti and Kennedy were understandably blown away by the results, but Kennedy was modest as ever: “Thank you! Really honoured to have even been included among such iconic solos. A little uncomfortable with the idea that it was voted the ‘best’. I don’t necessarily agree that our solo deserves that title – at least my half.”  And Tremonti recognised the support of fans in getting the top spot: “It was an immense honour to be nominated in this poll. Looking at the other listed nominees it seemed absolutely impossible to win. We definitely feel unworthy and want to thank our die-hard fan base for voting!” [Rock AAA via WMMR]

This obviously raises a ton of questions, not the least of which happens to be the only one I’m going to address here now…is it fair to use British spelling when quoting Americans?  When are those lobsterbacks finally gonna accept defeat?!

The rest of the songs that made the top twenty are listed after the jump…

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WEEZY DURSTS ALL OVER NEW BIZKIT TRACK

Fred Durst Limp Bizkit Rollin My Way red hat

I'll choose "the highway", thanks.

In news that merely serves to prove that Lil’ Wayne has yet to win his bet with Christopher Walken and Samuel L. Jackson over who can turn down the least amount of work, the rapper will be appearing on one of the tracks on Limp Bizkit’s–yes, that’s right, Limp Bizkit’s–new album, due to be released this summer.  The news comes straight from the Durstiest source available, frontman Fred Durst’s twitter. He tweeted

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