Category Archives: MTV

Boogie On, MJ…

UPDATE: Aaaand, I’m over it. A lil’ refresher course on the details of the allegations and the $20 million dollar hush-money check, and right on back to being the creepy fucking ghoul of a pedophile he was on June 24th.

There’s no possible way you can be hearing this for the first time here, but Michael Jackson is dead at 50 today, due to suspected cardiac arrest. The King of Pop, (not so) arguably the greatest solo artist of all time, a living legend of an entertainer and musical genius, is gone.

I didn’t think it possible to see the allegations of child molestation pushed into the back of my mind so easily to make room for a huge sense of loss and sadness. I’m sure it’s a much easier task to not lose any sleep over this loss for the families of the alleged victims. And let’s be honest, the dude was absolutely batshit in his last 15 years, and it’s hard to deny that he did some despicable things to little boys, but man I am bummed out. And I was just a little shit at the height of his career. Aren’t pedophiles supposed to be the most reviled form of scum in the eyes of the public and even other criminals?

But how many good times have we all experienced with Jackson’s music as the damn soundtrack? Countless, I’m certain. How often has he moved us, physically and emotionally, with his songwriting, emotionally charges vocals, and unprecedented dancing talents? Very often, I’m positive. He changed pop culture–music, video, live entertainment–in a way that no one had before him. His catalog of smash hits is longer than I care list, but I’ll certainly be spending some time with them the next few days.

Now if you don’t mind, I’m gonna go choke the hell up over “She’s Out Of My Life”, then dance myself back into a man with “Don’t Stop ‘Til You Get Enough” and plenty of Jesus Juice.

Advertisements

Quickies Are Fun: This Sounds Familiar Edition

Pearly Jams

In celebration of Pearl Jam’s re-issue of their badass debut album Ten, MTV asked a few artists to cover some album tracks for their program no one’s heard of called Rock The Deuce. Below is a cool one of “Why Go”, by P.O.S. Here’s a link to some other covers and clips, because I know you’re all clamoring to hear The Academy Is… cover “Jeremy” or learn whether or not Hoobastank really think they sound like Pearl Jam.

Also, I can’t resist the terrible and obvious lyrical-pun-doubling-as-name-dropping-of-my-own-blog here, so here goes…Gives new meaning to “scratches a letter”, doesn’t it?! Eh? No? Aw, c’mon…

Chickenfoot Has Arrived…


…and it’s sounding tasty.

Super Wayne’s World

Has anyone noticed that Dr. Carter samples Super Mario World’s castle theme? Does Weezy give credit in the liners? Hip Hop needs more Nintendo.

The VMAs Were Really Good


In an interview with Entertainment Weekly, Linkin Park whiner and screamer Chester Bennington had this to say about the MTV Video Music Awards a couple weeks ago…

Where were Foo Fighters and Nickelback? Or even a band like Three Days Grace, who had a pretty big year? There was no Vampire Weekend or Daughtry. It was very one-sided. … [The award show is] raising the bar of confusion and disarray. The VMAs are consistently clusterfucks, and this year set a new standard. … You had people who were invited sitting out in the streets. Plus, everybody was texting, no one was watching the show. I got super bummed out. … I think the VMAs have completely lost touch with a broad scope of music. It was very bubble gum and Disney, which is why bands like Foo Fighters, and everybody else in my group weren’t there.

I can’t say that I even remotely enjoy Linkin Park or half the bands he mentioned in his rant, but the dude makes some brilliant statements about MTV’s flagship award show and, by proxy, the state of the network in general. He is saying nothing that most of us didn’t already know or think, but it’s nice to see it come from an actual product of MTV’s influence over popular music and culture.

The VMAs, much like their host network, is neither cool, outrageous, spontaneous, edgy, funny, or entertaining anymore. In fact, it manages to be the exact opposite of all of these at once. The 15 minutes of this year’s show that I could bear to watch bombarded me with an unfunny, awkward Brit spewing predictable political rants before introducing mush-brain music acts to a bored celebrity audience. Keep in mind that approximately 78% of this celebrity audience was either drunk, lit up, or awesomely both, and still had enough sense to be bored by this abortion and its attempt to convince us all that Britney Spears, coming off the lowest, most bat-shit, white trash year of her career and life, deserved a handful of their dopey Moonman awards.

Quickies Are Fun: Wait, Wha? Edition

Cornell Settles On New Genre For The Year

I don’t know how I wasn’t already aware of this, but Chris Cornell has a new solo album Scream coming out October 14th, and it is produced by Timbaland. Fair enough. I listened to the teasers on his MySpace, and the first song is pretty good I guess, but each subsequent one deteriorates slowly into familiar Timbaland territory. Someone close to him needs to tell him that his recent trend of adding himself grumbling “eh!” into the microphone for every damn song he produces fucking sucks. Whatever. At least Cornell’s growing out his Soundgarden locks again.

Coldplay Much More Womanly Than All Expect

Giving idiots across the world one more reason to keep “Know how I know you’re gay?” as part of their regular insult rotation, Chris Martin has revealed that members of Coldplay knit clothes together, in the studio and on the road. While nothing pumps me up for a rock show quite like knitting (and I do enjoy some Coldplay), I want to punch my monitor and TV screen every time I see Martin sporting his new, douchey sleeve of multi-colored rags. Your sewing abilities suck, Martin. Stop trying to emulate another turd with a signature, dumb fashion accessory, bloated human rights campaign, and new Brian Eno sound.

Jessica Simpson Announces Flatulence, Possible Alien Pregnancy

Jessica Simpson put on another stellar show the other night in Ontario, successfully weirding the fuck out of the writer of this sweet review. The entire article is full of amazing quotables from both Simpson and the author, so do yourself a favor and check it out. I know you want to know what Jessica’s farts smell like.


Osbourne Kids Still Alive, Still Suck

Jack Osbourne is producing an Ozzy documentary, in order to repair the damage incurred by MTV’s The Osbournes. This is understandable, as, much to Jack’s chagrin, the show wrongly portrayed his bumbling, burnt-out, senile father as a bumbling, burnt-out, senile father being videotaped.

Effectively confirming his shit-for-brains, Axl Rose apparently came on to Kelly Osbourne at a laundry detergent launch party (To re-iterate the theme of this post…”Wait, wha?”). And by “came on to”, I mean “leering at and saying ‘I want to fuck you.'”. Tide certainly does work wonders.

There Can Be Only One

It’s hard to say which water cooler topic-of-the-week truly embodied the mediocrity, irrelevance, and general trashiness of last Sunday’s MTV Video Music Awards. While many, with great confidence (and great reasons), will side with Britney Spears’ abysmal performance(?), others, myself included, find the fistfight(?) between Tommy Lee and Kid Rock to be a bit more telling of MTV’s fall from entertaining, interesting, music-centered grace.

Being a lover, not a fighter, I want to take this opportunity to offer up to Lee and Rock a completely non-violent alternative to battling for washed-up, white-trash, rocker supremacy. I’ll break down some important aspects of their lives and careers to see who comes out on top.

Music

I suppose it’d be appropriate to start it off with the only reason any of us even know they exist…their music. There are a few angles to analyze here.

Talent

Lee

  • Mötley Crüe drummer
  • Methods of Mayhem and Rockstar Supernova drummer (who?)
  • Two trash solo albums
  • Ability to maintain focus on his rhythm while offering great stage presence (read: “being turned upside down in a steel cage”)

Rock

  • Singer/rapper/frontman of his band Twisted Brown Trucker (wha?)
  • Collaborated with Sheryl Crowe for serious country duet Picture
  • Ability to make up gibberish words as hooks and song titles (eg. Bawitdaba)
  • Made American flag fashionable

Winner: Lee. Mötley Crüe…obviously.

Sales

Apparently it’s more work to find total album sales for an artist than I had expected. I don’t feel like adding album sales, so…

Winner (I’m pretty damn sure): Lee. Once again, the Crüe…obviously.


Awards

Lee

  • Nominated for a few Grammy Awards with Crüe
  • Nominated for a few American Music Awards with Crüe; Won one

Rock

  • Nominated for a few Grammies
  • Nominated for a few AMAs; Won two
  • Nominated for one Country Music Award
  • Won three Billboard Music Awards

Winner: Rock

Name

Lee

  • Born Thomas Lee Bass
  • Stage name not really a stage name

Rock

  • Born Robert James Ritchie
  • Stage name retarded

Winner: Lee

TV

Lee

  • Rockstar: Supernova reality contest
  • Tommy Lee Goes to College reality show
  • A couple cameos on V.I.P. (watchable only on mute)

Rock

  • South Park
  • The Simpsons
  • King of the Hill

Winner: Rock. By far. Animation > Reality.


Film

Lee

  • Vanilla Sky as “Frozen Vintage Car Man”
  • Pam & Tommy Lee: Stolen Honeymoon as “Dude Attached To Python”

Rock

  • Joe Dirt as “Robby”
  • Osmosis Jones as “Kidney Rock”
  • Biker Boyz as “Dogg”
  • Larry the Cable Guy: Health Inspector as himself
  • Tour bus sex tape with Scott Stapp and four whores


Winner: Lee. Quality over quantity.

Tail

Lee

  • Pamela Anderson (divorced)
  • Heather Locklear (divorced)
  • Elaine Margaret Starchuck (divorced)
  • Mayte Garcia (briefly engaged)
  • Jenna Jameson (dated)
  • Tara Ried (dated)
  • Tawny Kitaen (f’d)

Rock

  • Pamela Anderson (divorced)
  • Kelley Russell (dated)
  • May Anderson (dated)

Winner: uh…Looking past the countless androgynous dudes he’s pretty much made out with publicly, Lee takes this in a landslide.


Appearance


Winner: Tie

Arrests

Lee

  • Inciting a riot
  • Multiple domestic violences
  • Unlawful possession of a firearm
  • Disturbing the peace
  • Indecent exposure
  • Assault

Rock

  • Assault. “In February 2005, in Nashville, after getting into an altercation at Christie’s Cabaret. He got into a fight with the strip club’s DJ over his choice of music.”

Winner: Mugshots

Congratulations, Jack Daniels and Hepatitis C. You win! If Lee and Rock don’t kill each other first, I can only hope one of you two step up to the plate.